My Testimony of Faith

Published on 31 August 2023 at 02:03

Photo Above is from my motorcycle accident. Sept 29 2020.

Well, I grew up with a broken family, and my parents divorced at age 7. So I took that pretty seriously. I got held back in 1st grade, and then I became an introvert and found it hard to make friends. I was shy. I grew up with an abusive dad not so much physically but emotionally and mentally, he use to make fun of me after I developed this nervous twitch at a young age. He belittled me most of my life.  I switched middle schools during custody battles 🙃. I didn't know who I was until I went to a young life camp my sophomore year and asked Jesus to come into my life. (Honestly, I think he was already in my life as a young child,when living with my grandparents on my mom's side, whom taught me about him). So I moved around town alot with my dad and then my mom got custody at age 12. I went to 2 different elementary, 2 middle schools and 2 high-schools. I had made some friends throughout elementary and middle school but it was hard to keep in touch moving around and eventually into my high school, made a few more friends, but I was picked on,called names and made fun of. 🙃 I never found a click of friends,I tried to make friends with everyone until I thought the 'popular kids' were "my friends''. Really they just wanted someone to make jokes about.I didn't come from a family with money we didn't always get what we wanted but my mom and grandparents made sure we had what we needed and I sure made it aware that I needed certain clothing brands to 'Fit in'. 😄. I graduated from high school and became this extrovert. I went into the marines as aviation mechanic but sent home halfway through bootcamp on medical with re-enlistment code because they needed records of something I was unaware of at age 15(classified) and I had to redo M.E.P.S. Which is the military doctor exams. After I got home from bootcamp my mom welcomed me with open arms. I became super social, drinking and throwing parties at my grandparents house. They asked me to watch it while they were gone traveling for work. So for a few weekends during a couple summer months while they rented a house in GA, thats what I did. I kept a job at a hospital and after lots of parties and a  few fights that broke out, The guys helping me with the parties decided to call their friends to work as body gaurds for the people getting hurt. I remember one guy threw a beer at a girls head, she was ok but then he busted a hole in the wall the size of a tire. Now thats when we got the 2 body gaurds aka 22 year old body builders benching 500lbs. I was becoming aware of the damage to the house, to others, the fights breaking out, cops getting called because there was literaly minimum 50-60 cars parked around my house the street, front yard which held about 10 and the others were either in driveway or parked along the street or in someone elses driveway. How would I explain this to my grandparents who have done nothing but be there for me. I  think maybe from other trauma growing up in a broken family while living with my dad. You got to heal first or you'll  bleed on others who don't deserve it. Afterwards when the parties stopped, I started using pills and mixing with alcohol.  I tried to take my life 1 night by cutting myself but called my grandparents while bleeding and passing out..before I knew it an ambulance was there and I got the help I needed. When my grandparents got home they weren't happy and honestly I was scared because I've never really seen my granddad get upset but I nearly put him in the hospital because he had to borrow on his mortgage to do repairs bc from the weight of the vehicles in the front yard, the pipes had busted. We had a house phone during that time,a phone number they had for as long as I could remember but someone during the party was calling 900#s and ran the bill up to nearly $1000. My grandad said I'm not paying that I have no clue who did that. So I cost him his home number that all his family,doctors,etc knew of and he had to give in and get another house phone number and ended up getting his 1st cell phone incase, back when flip phones came out. I helped do drywall and painting repairs and paid him back for some of the damage including a brand new screen door and side door. He eventually forgave me. Then I started dating alot looking for the right girlfriend at about age 23, I met a 32 year old paralegal and after 6 months she wanted to get married but financially I wasnt ready,she was well...unfaithful to me,so I became an introvert again. Super depressed. I dated a little more met a few amazing women in my life but unfortunately weren't right for me. One young lady had ocd like me. I thought it was going to work but we took a break then later I found out she passed from swine flu and pneumonia. Another girl cheated on me with her new college friend whom shes now married to. Then afterwards, several years later, I dated my team leader in real estate. We had our issues but we were great at the work part. Real estate was alot of fun. I learned alot about marketing in high school. I got asked to work with another team as marketing director part time so I took it. One night my ex-fiance`s dog ran out of the garage and across the road while I was in the driveway. Here comes a car through the neighborhood and yep, I cried my eyes out trying to have hope for this poor dog-Oscar(daschund) begging God to save him but the vet Dr's couldn't save him, they told me he passed away at the scene but I heard him breath while I was on my way to the Animal ER. I'll spare the details of what I witnessed but I didnt take it too well. From then on after work everyday, I started drinking more heavily, not just socially, then found out she was unfaithful while we were engaged. It broke me. I went out on a date soon after with a beautiful woman just to make her jealous. That beautiful woman wanted the same, to date to make her ex jealous. I felt more confused after having sex with this random woman because I was attracted to her but didn't know her. We all ended up going our seperate ways (Then in my late 20's.) I left the real estate business after 4 years and started truck driving to see what was out there. During my training I had to spend 5 weeks on the road with a trainer, dont get me wrong I dont know what everyone's been through but he was a big guy and careless. I was scared bc he'd be dosing off while driving. I did dile a complaint after the 2nd time but one night he wasnt paying attention and I saw this like a wolf dog laying in the road on the highway in the right hand lane we were in then another dog approached it standing over it, all I could think of was that was the momma layin there or the dad dog. My stinkin trainer didnt even try to get over or swerve. When he had a clear lane and  enough time to do so. It crushed my heart hearing the yelp and sounds haunting me. From then on I drank every time I got home. I didnt know how else to cope with the pain. Then I think after my uncle, the pops,  and my other uncle passed I became depressed while I was in a bad, unhealthy, toxic relationship with next girl(not that it was only her, we just didn't click) I had to get out so I prayed and Jesus got me out of that. I became fearful to love again. Especially of which during that relationship My 'best friend's stopped talking to me after a 20 year friendship. Eventually found out it was because I was "forcing my beliefs" on them. Really I was just living in a religious state of mind. I knew of Jesus but realized I didn't have a real personal relationship with him(sad I know 😭). I was pushing religion do this or do that and don't do this. If they only knew that now. They might actually be interested in hearing the real truth which I'll get to in part 2. Who knows maybe I could write a book about my lifelong testimony in more detail and let everyone know the truth of Jesus and how he's been there the whole time.

❤️.  Any way one night while I was in the truck parked for the night getting ready for bed, I had got up out of my seat had weird feelings of fear and I was thinking of God and saying God be with me. Then I felt this weird ghost like feeling go through me. Which it was probably major anxiety because I started sweating and having chills..but then I heard a 'vicious voice' say you are condemned!!

I was so scared I knew if God was saying that, I was going to hell and there was no other truck driver, preacher or anyone who could help me. I felt doomed. Depressed wouldn't even cover it. All I could do was immediately get on my knees,pray for forgiveness and help from God. I didn't even know what was wrong, but I was sorry. Eventually finding out later that wasn't the voice of God. Thankfully! So I decided to start getting to know him. 

I took some time off work from being on the road after 4 years and bought a motorcycle. After all, I was feeling God's healing.  It was a shiny red 2016 Honda CB300F sport bike. It was my first motorcycle and I wanted to experience the freedom on the road but close to home and not stuck in an 18 wheeler all the time. Barely 6 months later after purchasing and after my granddad passed I became  depressed again. At this poing i was feeling lost. My grandad was like my dad. We were close. So one night around 1130p, I was headed to see my friend Ole man Jack(R.I.P.). We use to sit on the front porch listen to music drink beers. He showed me a few songs like 'John prine-when I get to Heaven' and an old song called 'make me a palet on the floor'. We would listen to Jimmy buffet and few other songs and we'd talk about the women we dated and cars we've had. So I was headed up this curvy back road on my motorcycle just a couple miles away from home and it started sprinkling and then a pickup truck came around the corner with highbeams on so I flipped my Visor up on my helmet to see there was a car stopped in front of me with no blinker and I had to make a choice, swerve left in front of the oncoming truck into the neighborhood where the car was going(only bc that's their only choice) and risk getting hit head on or in 2 seconds go through their back windshield because it was a hatchback, or go Right-into someone's front yard and explain later. So I went right, slammed brakes on blacked out and wrecked. Doctor said ambulance told them I was thrown off bike onto tree stump. I had severed my spine. Woke up weeks later from a coma and I couldn't move anything but my eyes. All I could think of is.. does God hate me? Will I have to live like this for the rest of my life? I'll never be able to speak,work on cars or do anything in life again. I became super depressed and didn't want to wake up, honestly. The doctors had diagnosed me as a quadriplegic. I prayed in my mind,the only possible way hoping God would hear me. 'Jesus, please don't leave me,please.' A few weeks went by and I was able to move fingers and hands as well as lift my arms. With God's Loving  Heart ,❤️  Grace and Mercy, I was able to start physical therapy and before long I could move arms and hands and fingers normally with slight nerve pain on my right hand. Finally off the ventilator, I could  eat again, swallow food & liquids without aspirating, talk again with therapy, so after 3 months I left the hospital and went to a nursing home. I was scared because I felt like my family had abandoned me and left me to die. Truth be told they weren't able to care for me. I was in 1st nursing home 4 months I found out my lady friend had passed of overdose and 2nd nursing home around 4 months, of which during that time my grandmother passed from alziemers. I didn't get to go either funeral. I prayed that Jesus would bring me home, I didnt want to live anymore. Finally after 11 months I got to go home,not actually my forever home in Heaven like I'd hoped. My Mom had moved in my grandparents house and made a spot for me. My dog odee didn't recognize me. I felt different, scared and like I was mentally losing it. I started drinking off and on again to cope. I got my self setup with a smart tv and started watching videos,learning more and more about God  Through music and preaching. I read the Bible a little. Eventually after a year I got a powerchair, still not able to walk but today as a T4 paraplegic (chest down) and I'm sober. I'm grateful to be able to share this with you. If you're still reading, It means alot to me that you would take the time to read my testimony.

"If God isn't Real,Real Isn't "-NF

To be continued...... 

 

--Atleast Now you know why I chose that song above on my site because through all of that Jesus never left me ❤️. It was his strength that got me through.  Sometimes a simple prayer'Jesus,help me' is all he wants.